so i just was sitting here. talking to people. when i fell asleep. and i had another bad dream. i was in a room made out of trampoline with a whole bunch of kids and one of my friends from church. she was playing with a boy, they were hanging on these bars. under this “room” of trampoline was a large pool. and they jumped from the bars into there. and then she got out and i saw her go outside. and so i walked downstairs to find her. and on my way out a boy on a phone came in with a gun and a bag over it. and then i woke up. do you ever feel like you’re thinking while you are dreaming? that happened to me. it was wierd. i made myself wake up because i was scared of what was next.
this is not the first time ive dreamt this. i have had maybe 3 dreams that i continually dream that are a little different each time. each one i wake up scared or crying.
so this time i decided to look into what these dreams were,

trampoline – ups and downs in your life

kids – a retreat to your childlike state, a time of innocence and purity.

friend – aspects of your personality you have rejected but you are ready to integrate these parts of yourself

pool – you need to deal and understand your emotions

gun – aggression/anger or a males penis/sexual drive

phone – may be forced to confront issues you have tried to avoid.

and to think im wondering why i keep having bad dreams.
its completely obvious.
God does work in us when we are sleeping. sometimes we are so busy that its the only time he can get us still enough to say, SARAH HELLO?!?

i think im finally over being single. sometimes it comes back. sometimes i wish things were different with michael. but its over now. and i blocked him out of my life. he wasnt good enough for me anyways and i can confidently say that without being cocky or anything. some people just arent right for you. i guess it was just a learning experience, make sure u know someone before you go out with them. we started dating a week after we met. yeahhhhh thats life. for me.

sometimes i just dont know what to do with myself anymore. im hopefully graduating bible college this sunday. but it feels like nothing is different, and its my fault. i dicked around. i cant keep my selfish dirty thoughts to go away. i blame it all on myself. i have had so many breakthroughs but i just fall right back where i once was. how do i tell myself to quit it? i think i’ve stopped. but who knows whats next. one day my mind is here one day my mind is there. sometimes i want to move away and not come back. start life new. but i dont know if starting my life new will make me better or worse. and the one place i want to go to i dont know whats waiting for me there. i’m crazy about a boy, and i daily just dont feel like he feels the same anymore. i just want to fall in love, show people how loveable and how amazing i can be for them. i feel held back not having a boyfriend, but the one boy i like who knowsss….
its like life is playing tricks on me.
i’m ready for God to be a bigger part of my life. i want to be the best i can be next year in my 2nd year of bible college.
i want to change myself so no one recognizes me and that they are like who is this amazing new girl?. my heart always tells one thing and i do another.

life seems a little better. the stress of the week is almost done. sunday will be the best day. i started a new class this week. i love it. its really fun. i really enjoy the people and my teacher. kinda makes me sad that in 13 class days it will be over. the one time i have a really good teacher. but i guess thats life right.

i miss the music. i miss hearing it. i miss feeling it. i miss being part of it.

“No chance at all,” Jesus said. “if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.” Luke 18:27

this verse is right next to my computer.
its staring me down. like right through my soul.
its true though.
i want God to be more real than he ever has.
i need him, i need faith to believe in it.

<3

It’s like i cant breathe, 
Like every breath i take is one last left.
My heart is pounding,
like its about to come out from my chest
How do i feel so alone?
When you are right there beside me?
So if you’re always by my side,
Please pick me up as i cry.
As i start to pray,
these sorrows fall away.

Help me from myself,
Help me tear this pain away.
Help me to move on each day.
To grow closer to you. 

i’m in a prison.       i’m in a prison without any bars.                       i heard that tonight.       it describes me and that hurts. 

Day Two.
Woke up almost on time.
Got 20 minutes of reading this morning.
Today feels better,
more comfortable.
Then again tuesdays and thursdays always do.
Just hurts my heart.
48 hours have passed, still no sign of someone.
I try not to think about things,
but these thoughts just keep consuming my head.
I pray that God strips those away,
and allows me to see the good in what I am doing.

Tomorrow is the lake retreat.
It is much needed.
Things with my parents feel much better.
Dont make mistakes,
it takes forever to forgive.
Atleast in my family.

So for now….
I’m off to do homework,
that I was too lazy to do yesterday :/

Well. Today is day one of trying to change my life.

I had a revelation just a few days ago. I realized that I’ve changed, that I’ve hit a plateau in my life. A plateau that I need to break free from. My past is NOT going to predict my future and I’m done allowing it to do that. Today was Day One of attempting to wake up earlier than bible college to read my bible. I’ve realized I really need to get the Word of God in me. It’s more important than I thought.
It was harder than I thought. I woke up and had like 20 minutes to read in class. So that was good. Tomorrow is another day and another chance. Let’s hope I make it.

I’m just upset. With everything. To be honest.

I’ve commited to a year of Bible College. But along with that came, Kids Ministry, a connect group, and alot of extra homework….. I know I can do it.
But to throw in the mix, I still have Gainesville and work with that. I have regular church and BYFY.
Mixed with starting to like a guy, who doesn’t want me to persue him and right now have barely talked to him.

How am I to deal with it all?

That’s where God comes in, and thank you Lord for being there.
I’m broken, and chained. I need to be set free.

More to come

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